Strange new reality...

I am sitting in a cafe while I wait for my daughter to finish her tutoring. 

I sit here on my own and think how far I have come. This week there was some unsettling news about work. I could be back in the job market soon. But one thing I noticed was how quickly I recovered from the news. When I heard the news, I couldn't function anymore and lost all motivation to do any more work that day. 

All the scary thoughts came flooding in, 'what am I going to do?', 'how will I survive?', 'what will I do financially?'. I sat in the discomfort and allowed myself to feel all that emotion. The next day, I had no choice but to still turn up to work. I still had a job (for how long remains to be seen) to go to. I still had to show up. I knew I wasn't alone because everyone at work was feeling the stress. But by the next day, I resolved that I would start searching, figured out a plan financially and let go. 

Because whatever has happened in my life, whatever obstacles I am faced with. The universe always delivers something better for me. And perhaps this journey has to end for a new one to be experienced. It is out of my control. 

It's just sad and unfortunate. I said to my work friends whom I hold dear that it's been the one workplace I've been in for a long time that I've enjoyed waking up everyday and going to work. I'm not perfect, there will be days that I can't be bothered and feel too lazy to work. That's human nature but I didn't hate my place of work. I genuinely loved the people I worked with despite all the dramas and issues we've been dealt with. That aspect I'm sad about because I don't know if I'll ever find that again. 

Ironically the day after the news came out, it was my 2 years anniversary at work. 2 years!!!! For me that's been a great achievement these last few years. It's not that I ever plan to leave workplaces all the time but I leave because it's not a fit for me. It's a different era where changing jobs is not frowned up but still I like having some longevity. The last one I had been in for a long time, I loved the people and friends I'd made but the place was too toxic and management lacking. I can't do toxic. Looking back I know what it did to my body and my wellbeing and I refuse to neglect myself anymore. 

I wish I had the financial means to just work when the mood suited me and spend the rest as a lady of leisure. I can dream, I can manifest it. 

But this week made me realise how resilient I've become and to always remain positive. 

And it's freeing for me to sit here in a cafe, by myself not bothered and in my own world. It's the freedom I have always wanted. I am happy! And that's worth it's weight in gold!!!!

And it made me want to write, which is always a bonus. It's another form of release for me and one I've missed so much. 

The Year of Me....2025 Edition

I blog sparingly.....

And skipped the year of me 2024 edition. Looking back there was a reason, reasons I will keep to myself. 2024 didn't start off to a good year. Makes sense that there was no new year entry. It's something I'd rather forget but acknowledge it lead to a lot of life lessons and choosing myself. 

I have vowed not to make resolutions because when I decide to do something, it has to be something permanent and something I maintain forever. None of these 'new year, new me!'. 

What I learned in 2024, was to prioritise me. I struggled with letting people go. It's still a struggle but as each day passes it gets easier. 

And now it's September 2025.

I've never shared this blog with anyone until recently. I sent screenshots but not share the web address. I like the anonymity this affords me and to release whatever emotions I am feeling. I'm not ready to let go of that anonymity. Even if nobody reads this blog, I don't care. That was never the reason I started this. 

In my darkest days, my journal was a sense of comfort. Any time I felt any heavy emotions, I would put pen to paper and the relief it gave me was immense. There is healing power in releasing all that pent up emotions and putting it to paper. Do I ever read back what I have written? Sometimes....but then most of the time it feels so cringeworthy. But what I've learned is to always give myself grace. We do that to others but we are always harder on ourselves than anybody else. 

Looking back on my journal, I thought I'd be on to the new one already. I've accumulated new journals but haven't filled the pages with words. I've managed less than half a dozen of entries so far in 2025. What does that mean? 

I looked back on the year so far and it's been a year I've learned to let go, really let go! From reading a lot about relationships and looking inwards, I realised I had an anxious attachment style - a strong fear of abandonment and constant need for reassurance.  

There were 2 significant relationships in my life since leaving my ex that has had an impact in my life. It has taught me so much about myself. The pain I had to endure to come out on the other side, understanding my worth, what I will put up with and what I will no longer sacrifice. The hurt from not being chosen was a pain I had to face but also understand that people not choosing me has no bearing on my worth. It just means those people that I had placed so much significance on were not the people for me. 

These 2 people in my life could not be more polar opposites, but I needed them to help me decide who was worth keeping in my life and whom to discard. The difference between the 2 was startling. Before, I wanted to elaborate more on those relationships but now I don't feel the need to. It feels like I'm circling on something I've moved on from and my journey in 2025 is to move on. 

All I will say is that, as uncomfortable as it feels to not be chosen, to be heartbroken when my feelings were not reciprocated.....I haven't had much practice in this. My one significant relationship was with my ex from 19 years of age to 42. I was never the type in my younger years to date perse. And I feel like I'm experiencing all of that now that I'm older, with the added advantage of facing it with maturity. That doesn't mean it was easier but it means that the gap between my heart realising what my mind already knew was shorter. 

What I can attribute to lesser journal entries is that I'm better mentally, learned to let go and moving forward with my life in whatever form that looks like. But I don't want my journals to only be moments of sorrow. I need to make it a conscious habit to write about good things that also happens in my life. 

A life well lived is full of ups and downs, what defines us is how we handle those moments. I will never be fully healed, because we are ever evolving humans made up of complex emotions. 

There are times I feel I have healed and am stronger but then the universe always finds a way to test my resolve. My life will always be a journey full of lessons to help me grow and any tests in my life I'm given, I trust myself to know that I will be ok. I have the inner strength to survive what life throws at me. And I have the trust in myself, love for myself to help me live up to my potential. 

There is the peace internally that I have always longed for and that to me is PRICELESS!!! 

2025 is not yet over but so far it hasn't been too bad.