The Year of Me....2025 Edition

I blog sparingly.....

And skipped the year of me 2024 edition. Looking back there was a reason, reasons I will keep to myself. 2024 didn't start off to a good year. Makes sense that there was no new year entry. It's something I'd rather forget but acknowledge it lead to a lot of life lessons and choosing myself. 

I have vowed not to make resolutions because when I decide to do something, it has to be something permanent and something I maintain forever. None of these 'new year, new me!'. 

What I learned in 2024, was to prioritise me. I struggled with letting people go. It's still a struggle but as each day passes it gets easier. 

And now it's September 2025.

I've never shared this blog with anyone until recently. I sent screenshots but not share the web address. I like the anonymity this affords me and to release whatever emotions I am feeling. I'm not ready to let go of that anonymity. Even if nobody reads this blog, I don't care. That was never the reason I started this. 

In my darkest days, my journal was a sense of comfort. Any time I felt any heavy emotions, I would put pen to paper and the relief it gave me was immense. There is healing power in releasing all that pent up emotions and putting it to paper. Do I ever read back what I have written? Sometimes....but then most of the time it feels so cringeworthy. But what I've learned is to always give myself grace. We do that to others but we are always harder on ourselves than anybody else. 

Looking back on my journal, I thought I'd be on to the new one already. I've accumulated new journals but haven't filled the pages with words. I've managed less than half a dozen of entries so far in 2025. What does that mean? 

I looked back on the year so far and it's been a year I've learned to let go, really let go! From reading a lot about relationships and looking inwards, I realised I had an anxious attachment style - a strong fear of abandonment and constant need for reassurance.  

There were 2 significant relationships in my life since leaving my ex that has had an impact in my life. It has taught me so much about myself. The pain I had to endure to come out on the other side, understanding my worth, what I will put up with and what I will no longer sacrifice. The hurt from not being chosen was a pain I had to face but also understand that people not choosing me has no bearing on my worth. It just means those people that I had placed so much significance on were not the people for me. 

These 2 people in my life could not be more polar opposites, but I needed them to help me decide who was worth keeping in my life and whom to discard. The difference between the 2 was startling. Before, I wanted to elaborate more on those relationships but now I don't feel the need to. It feels like I'm circling on something I've moved on from and my journey in 2025 is to move on. 

All I will say is that, as uncomfortable as it feels to not be chosen, to be heartbroken when my feelings were not reciprocated.....I haven't had much practice in this. My one significant relationship was with my ex from 19 years of age to 42. I was never the type in my younger years to date perse. And I feel like I'm experiencing all of that now that I'm older, with the added advantage of facing it with maturity. That doesn't mean it was easier but it means that the gap between my heart realising what my mind already knew was shorter. 

What I can attribute to lesser journal entries is that I'm better mentally, learned to let go and moving forward with my life in whatever form that looks like. But I don't want my journals to only be moments of sorrow. I need to make it a conscious habit to write about good things that also happens in my life. 

A life well lived is full of ups and downs, what defines us is how we handle those moments. I will never be fully healed, because we are ever evolving humans made up of complex emotions. 

There are times I feel I have healed and am stronger but then the universe always finds a way to test my resolve. My life will always be a journey full of lessons to help me grow and any tests in my life I'm given, I trust myself to know that I will be ok. I have the inner strength to survive what life throws at me. And I have the trust in myself, love for myself to help me live up to my potential. 

There is the peace internally that I have always longed for and that to me is PRICELESS!!! 

2025 is not yet over but so far it hasn't been too bad. 

The Greatest Love of all

I have been singing Whitney's song for so long and perhaps I've been desentisized to it. 

But today as I was driving to work, I heard this song and I was brought to tears. 

I've been on my healing journey and this really hit a nerve today...

Today, listening to this song I realised how empowering it is and is the BIGGEST anthem for self-love and the realisation that I have all the love I need within myself. I am enough, I am worthy! 

That has been my healing journey, something finally clicks when you least expect it.  

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all.”

The Year of Me.............continues 2023 edition

Healing..............

How do you know when you've healed? I feel like this healing journey is never ending. You conquer something and then you are thrown another challenge that tests you. 

I wish I could have a superpower that can fix everything about me. 

But at the same time, my quirks and everything about me is what makes me.........ME!

Not that there's anything wrong with me perse but there are things about myself I want to improve and be the best version of myself. 

I am happier than I was compared to last year but then I still have my moments of sadness. Which is normal and I'm not going to judge myself. 

I know what I want but I am going to be patient that what is meant for me will come in time. 

Patience.......I have discovered I don't really have much of. But I need to practice patience. I can't rush what is meant for me. I have to trust that I will be ready for what I have asked the universe for. 

The Year of ME!

 The year of ME!!!

2022, started with a bang. Let's hope the momentum keeps going well into this decade. 

So many lessons being learned, some fills with me joy, some with pain but at the heart of it all - it allows me to grow as a person. The person I am today is different to the person I was last year. 

I am learning so much about myself, there's some very confronting truths I've needed to face in order to heal. There is still so much healing. I didn't realise how damaged I was and until I confront it, I can't be whole and be in the type of relationship I would like. Not one that would last anyway unless I put in the work to prioritise me and make me happy first and foremost before I can make someone else happy. 

Waking up each day ready to tackle the world!

I woke up this morning and thought to myself, I didn't wake up with any negative thoughts or worry! It's nice to wake up each day with a clean slate!

For years I suffered from insomnia and was consumed with so much worry. I had a lot of things in my life I wasn't dealing with, all that negative energy drained me. It consumed me and it resulted in poor health. Until at some point I said 'Enough'! 

I faced what I had ignored for so long. I ended a long term relationship which no longer served me. We were both in denial, both of us understood we haven't worked together as a couple but neither wanted to rip the bandaid off. Plus we have a child together. You don't ever want your child to be from a broken home. Both our parents were still together. But that is not a compelling enough reason to stay together. 

We have a child together, was also a motivation for leaving an unhappy relationship. I don't ever want my daughter to feel you have to stay in a miserable, loveless relationship for the sake of keeping the family together. Of course I wish she wasn't from a broken home but I want her to have parents who are happy even if we aren't together. Our priority always is her happiness and wellbeing. At least we can agree on that. 

For a long time, I kept news of our separation secret and only a handful of people knew. It was easy to keep secret as for years we were distant and didn't operate as a couple. Living in the house as if we were roommates and nothing more. I'm not exactly sure what I feared.......in telling the news to everyone. 

I suppose for me I wanted to deal with my grief in private and to heal with no outside pressures. I didn't realise how private I had become. You wouldn't think so if you looked at my social media posts. I share a lot but the one thing I've never been guilty of, is sharing my relationship on social media. Part of it is because my ex is not on social media and is extremely private. It's always been off limits and since February 2020 when we split, no one was none the wiser. I shared the news with close friends who I leaned on for support but I could count on them not to disclose my news. 

There was a quote I saw recently that really resonated with me...

'I did not unlove you overnight. 
No, I unloved you in bits and pieces over time. 
I grew a new skin that you could never touch, 
a new heart that you could never break, 

and a new soul that you could never corrupt.
This is how I unloved you...
Slowly, painfully, 
But with no regrets.' 

I felt so seen when I read that quote because it was a slow process for me, I loved him but that love slowly faded over the years when I wasn't getting the love I deserved back. It's a hard pill to swallow when all you want is for that person to love you back but he doesn't. I had a lot of anger over that. And when I finally did rip the bandaid, only then did he reflect and realise what he was losing but it was too little too late. We had done this song and dance before, I try to rip the bandaid but we somehow put the bandaid back on. It's good for about 6 months and we go back to our old ways. I'm too old to be doing that song and dance. In the end, I made the decision that I wanted to be happy and if me being happy meant being single, then so be it. 

There have been a lot of tears, how can there not be? I was mourning 23 years of my life I thought was going to be forever. But after nearly 2 years I can honestly say I'm the happiest I've ever been. What I've never had to question was the support of my family and friends. It just took a lot of soul searching within myself and come to terms with the breakup before I could share the news with everyone. 

In lockdown, already dealing with my breakup and the mental strain of being in lockdown I started exercising again. It improved my health and reduced my weight which I had let climb to unhealthy levels. It made me feel much better about myself and more confident. I was mentally strong again. There was a lot of closure in lockdown, having discussions about my relationship with the ex was quite cathartic. It also made me realise I was ready to move on. 

And so here I am, moving on......but that's another post on it's own 😊 

So today.....

I woke up this morning and thought to myself, I didn't wake up with any negative thoughts or worry! It's nice to wake up each day with a clean slate!

It's a freeing feeling, I wake up early (wish I could control my body clock) and start each day with positivity. 

And it's something others have noticed in me. When I finally came clean to my family and told them about my breakup, they were not exactly surprised and were super supportive. They noticed the changes in myself. When you have inner happiness, it shows in your outward appearance and I truly believe that. I was told I was glowing in my pictures....they just don't realise I know the angles to get a good pic hahaha but I will take the compliment. 

But is it even official if it's not been FB official hahaha? Well I finally did share it online, I have no reason to hide and I'm ready emotionally to deal with the questions. 

2021 certainly has been a year of growth for me. I am ready for the new challenges that 2022 has in store for me. I won't be making NY resolutions but my goal always is live a life of joy and happiness. I'm a simpleton. It would be nice to find love again but I'll wait for the right person to come along. However long that takes. 

Below was an excerpt from a book one of my closest friend sent me for Christmas that prompted me to write today: 

'Happiness is a daily journey. The little moments, the people in your life, the smiles and laughs and hugs. When you stop to recognise the little and big things that bring your life joy and meaning, you're making a choice to feel happy and you can choose to feel happy every day'

Words to live by! 

To remain anonymous?

 To remain anonymous? 

I've had this title 'To remain anonymous' since 2009 when I started writing this blog. It's been a draft until today 😆. Safe to say it is still anonymous. I quite like it this way. It's kinda freeing to be able write my thoughts and musings and put out there in the web. Whether anyone reads this, it doesn't matter. This blog is just for me as an outlet. 

I quite enjoy writing and suprise myself when I read back on what I've written. I have no intention of growing this blog either, it's purely just for me as a project I wanted to start. I don't want to take the joy out of it by being expected to publish a blog post weekly or what have you. I do this on a whim when the mood strikes. 

Writing Goals

The goal, each and every year is to maintain a journal. 

Most of the times, I maintain it for a certain period of time and then I stop and forget about it for a while. But always return to it when I go through difficult periods in my life. Like crying, writing in my journal is so cathartic for me. It honestly has gotten me through lockdown. 

There were moments in lockdown I felt so low and so down. Just being trapped at home was very suffocating. I was going through some personal issues. Exercising by walking daily helped but it didn't help with the thoughts in my head. Writing down my feelings and what I was going through helped me release a lot of negativity I felt. I'm not sharing the exact details of what I went through but let's just say it was enough to cause turmoil. 

I've previously mentioned, as an extrovert lockdown was initially hard on me. But lockdown forced me to slow down. When you have no distractions you are forced to be introspective and in the end I was grateful for it. It has allowed a lot of personal growth and helped me to change my mindset to live a life of joy. Everything might not be as I wish but I learn to face each day with conviction. Learning to speak up and ask for what I want! Even if the answers are not what I want to hear, it's ok. I value myself enough to understand that I deserve better, and something better out there is waiting for me! I trust in that - Laws of Attraction! 

And that is what maintaining my journal has helped me achieve.