I woke up this morning and thought to myself, I didn't wake up with any negative thoughts or worry! It's nice to wake up each day with a clean slate!
For years I suffered from insomnia and was consumed with so much worry. I had a lot of things in my life I wasn't dealing with, all that negative energy drained me. It consumed me and it resulted in poor health. Until at some point I said 'Enough'!
I faced what I had ignored for so long. I ended a long term relationship which no longer served me. We were both in denial, both of us understood we haven't worked together as a couple but neither wanted to rip the bandaid off. Plus we have a child together. You don't ever want your child to be from a broken home. Both our parents were still together. But that is not a compelling enough reason to stay together.
We have a child together, was also a motivation for leaving an unhappy relationship. I don't ever want my daughter to feel you have to stay in a miserable, loveless relationship for the sake of keeping the family together. Of course I wish she wasn't from a broken home but I want her to have parents who are happy even if we aren't together. Our priority always is her happiness and wellbeing. At least we can agree on that.
For a long time, I kept news of our separation secret and only a handful of people knew. It was easy to keep secret as for years we were distant and didn't operate as a couple. Living in the house as if we were roommates and nothing more. I'm not exactly sure what I feared.......in telling the news to everyone.
I suppose for me I wanted to deal with my grief in private and to heal with no outside pressures. I didn't realise how private I had become. You wouldn't think so if you looked at my social media posts. I share a lot but the one thing I've never been guilty of, is sharing my relationship on social media. Part of it is because my ex is not on social media and is extremely private. It's always been off limits and since February 2020 when we split, no one was none the wiser. I shared the news with close friends who I leaned on for support but I could count on them not to disclose my news.
There was a quote I saw recently that really resonated with me...
No, I unloved you in bits and pieces over time.
I grew a new skin that you could never touch,
a new heart that you could never break,
This is how I unloved you...
Slowly, painfully,
But with no regrets.'
I felt so seen when I read that quote because it was a slow process for me, I loved him but that love slowly faded over the years when I wasn't getting the love I deserved back. It's a hard pill to swallow when all you want is for that person to love you back but he doesn't. I had a lot of anger over that. And when I finally did rip the bandaid, only then did he reflect and realise what he was losing but it was too little too late. We had done this song and dance before, I try to rip the bandaid but we somehow put the bandaid back on. It's good for about 6 months and we go back to our old ways. I'm too old to be doing that song and dance. In the end, I made the decision that I wanted to be happy and if me being happy meant being single, then so be it.
There have been a lot of tears, how can there not be? I was mourning 23 years of my life I thought was going to be forever. But after nearly 2 years I can honestly say I'm the happiest I've ever been. What I've never had to question was the support of my family and friends. It just took a lot of soul searching within myself and come to terms with the breakup before I could share the news with everyone.
In lockdown, already dealing with my breakup and the mental strain of being in lockdown I started exercising again. It improved my health and reduced my weight which I had let climb to unhealthy levels. It made me feel much better about myself and more confident. I was mentally strong again. There was a lot of closure in lockdown, having discussions about my relationship with the ex was quite cathartic. It also made me realise I was ready to move on.
And so here I am, moving on......but that's another post on it's own 😊
So today.....
I woke up this morning and thought to myself, I didn't wake up with any negative thoughts or worry! It's nice to wake up each day with a clean slate!
It's a freeing feeling, I wake up early (wish I could control my body clock) and start each day with positivity.
And it's something others have noticed in me. When I finally came clean to my family and told them about my breakup, they were not exactly surprised and were super supportive. They noticed the changes in myself. When you have inner happiness, it shows in your outward appearance and I truly believe that. I was told I was glowing in my pictures....they just don't realise I know the angles to get a good pic hahaha but I will take the compliment.
But is it even official if it's not been FB official hahaha? Well I finally did share it online, I have no reason to hide and I'm ready emotionally to deal with the questions.
2021 certainly has been a year of growth for me. I am ready for the new challenges that 2022 has in store for me. I won't be making NY resolutions but my goal always is live a life of joy and happiness. I'm a simpleton. It would be nice to find love again but I'll wait for the right person to come along. However long that takes.
Below was an excerpt from a book one of my closest friend sent me for Christmas that prompted me to write today:
'Happiness is a daily journey. The little moments, the people in your life, the smiles and laughs and hugs. When you stop to recognise the little and big things that bring your life joy and meaning, you're making a choice to feel happy and you can choose to feel happy every day'
Words to live by!
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