The Year of ME!

 The year of ME!!!

2022, started with a bang. Let's hope the momentum keeps going well into this decade. 

So many lessons being learned, some fills with me joy, some with pain but at the heart of it all - it allows me to grow as a person. The person I am today is different to the person I was last year. 

I am learning so much about myself, there's some very confronting truths I've needed to face in order to heal. There is still so much healing. I didn't realise how damaged I was and until I confront it, I can't be whole and be in the type of relationship I would like. Not one that would last anyway unless I put in the work to prioritise me and make me happy first and foremost before I can make someone else happy. 

Waking up each day ready to tackle the world!

I woke up this morning and thought to myself, I didn't wake up with any negative thoughts or worry! It's nice to wake up each day with a clean slate!

For years I suffered from insomnia and was consumed with so much worry. I had a lot of things in my life I wasn't dealing with, all that negative energy drained me. It consumed me and it resulted in poor health. Until at some point I said 'Enough'! 

I faced what I had ignored for so long. I ended a long term relationship which no longer served me. We were both in denial, both of us understood we haven't worked together as a couple but neither wanted to rip the bandaid off. Plus we have a child together. You don't ever want your child to be from a broken home. Both our parents were still together. But that is not a compelling enough reason to stay together. 

We have a child together, was also a motivation for leaving an unhappy relationship. I don't ever want my daughter to feel you have to stay in a miserable, loveless relationship for the sake of keeping the family together. Of course I wish she wasn't from a broken home but I want her to have parents who are happy even if we aren't together. Our priority always is her happiness and wellbeing. At least we can agree on that. 

For a long time, I kept news of our separation secret and only a handful of people knew. It was easy to keep secret as for years we were distant and didn't operate as a couple. Living in the house as if we were roommates and nothing more. I'm not exactly sure what I feared.......in telling the news to everyone. 

I suppose for me I wanted to deal with my grief in private and to heal with no outside pressures. I didn't realise how private I had become. You wouldn't think so if you looked at my social media posts. I share a lot but the one thing I've never been guilty of, is sharing my relationship on social media. Part of it is because my ex is not on social media and is extremely private. It's always been off limits and since February 2020 when we split, no one was none the wiser. I shared the news with close friends who I leaned on for support but I could count on them not to disclose my news. 

There was a quote I saw recently that really resonated with me...

'I did not unlove you overnight. 
No, I unloved you in bits and pieces over time. 
I grew a new skin that you could never touch, 
a new heart that you could never break, 

and a new soul that you could never corrupt.
This is how I unloved you...
Slowly, painfully, 
But with no regrets.' 

I felt so seen when I read that quote because it was a slow process for me, I loved him but that love slowly faded over the years when I wasn't getting the love I deserved back. It's a hard pill to swallow when all you want is for that person to love you back but he doesn't. I had a lot of anger over that. And when I finally did rip the bandaid, only then did he reflect and realise what he was losing but it was too little too late. We had done this song and dance before, I try to rip the bandaid but we somehow put the bandaid back on. It's good for about 6 months and we go back to our old ways. I'm too old to be doing that song and dance. In the end, I made the decision that I wanted to be happy and if me being happy meant being single, then so be it. 

There have been a lot of tears, how can there not be? I was mourning 23 years of my life I thought was going to be forever. But after nearly 2 years I can honestly say I'm the happiest I've ever been. What I've never had to question was the support of my family and friends. It just took a lot of soul searching within myself and come to terms with the breakup before I could share the news with everyone. 

In lockdown, already dealing with my breakup and the mental strain of being in lockdown I started exercising again. It improved my health and reduced my weight which I had let climb to unhealthy levels. It made me feel much better about myself and more confident. I was mentally strong again. There was a lot of closure in lockdown, having discussions about my relationship with the ex was quite cathartic. It also made me realise I was ready to move on. 

And so here I am, moving on......but that's another post on it's own 😊 

So today.....

I woke up this morning and thought to myself, I didn't wake up with any negative thoughts or worry! It's nice to wake up each day with a clean slate!

It's a freeing feeling, I wake up early (wish I could control my body clock) and start each day with positivity. 

And it's something others have noticed in me. When I finally came clean to my family and told them about my breakup, they were not exactly surprised and were super supportive. They noticed the changes in myself. When you have inner happiness, it shows in your outward appearance and I truly believe that. I was told I was glowing in my pictures....they just don't realise I know the angles to get a good pic hahaha but I will take the compliment. 

But is it even official if it's not been FB official hahaha? Well I finally did share it online, I have no reason to hide and I'm ready emotionally to deal with the questions. 

2021 certainly has been a year of growth for me. I am ready for the new challenges that 2022 has in store for me. I won't be making NY resolutions but my goal always is live a life of joy and happiness. I'm a simpleton. It would be nice to find love again but I'll wait for the right person to come along. However long that takes. 

Below was an excerpt from a book one of my closest friend sent me for Christmas that prompted me to write today: 

'Happiness is a daily journey. The little moments, the people in your life, the smiles and laughs and hugs. When you stop to recognise the little and big things that bring your life joy and meaning, you're making a choice to feel happy and you can choose to feel happy every day'

Words to live by! 

To remain anonymous?

 To remain anonymous? 

I've had this title 'To remain anonymous' since 2009 when I started writing this blog. It's been a draft until today 😆. Safe to say it is still anonymous. I quite like it this way. It's kinda freeing to be able write my thoughts and musings and put out there in the web. Whether anyone reads this, it doesn't matter. This blog is just for me as an outlet. 

I quite enjoy writing and suprise myself when I read back on what I've written. I have no intention of growing this blog either, it's purely just for me as a project I wanted to start. I don't want to take the joy out of it by being expected to publish a blog post weekly or what have you. I do this on a whim when the mood strikes. 

Writing Goals

The goal, each and every year is to maintain a journal. 

Most of the times, I maintain it for a certain period of time and then I stop and forget about it for a while. But always return to it when I go through difficult periods in my life. Like crying, writing in my journal is so cathartic for me. It honestly has gotten me through lockdown. 

There were moments in lockdown I felt so low and so down. Just being trapped at home was very suffocating. I was going through some personal issues. Exercising by walking daily helped but it didn't help with the thoughts in my head. Writing down my feelings and what I was going through helped me release a lot of negativity I felt. I'm not sharing the exact details of what I went through but let's just say it was enough to cause turmoil. 

I've previously mentioned, as an extrovert lockdown was initially hard on me. But lockdown forced me to slow down. When you have no distractions you are forced to be introspective and in the end I was grateful for it. It has allowed a lot of personal growth and helped me to change my mindset to live a life of joy. Everything might not be as I wish but I learn to face each day with conviction. Learning to speak up and ask for what I want! Even if the answers are not what I want to hear, it's ok. I value myself enough to understand that I deserve better, and something better out there is waiting for me! I trust in that - Laws of Attraction! 

And that is what maintaining my journal has helped me achieve. 

Manifestation - Dec 2019

I draft posts and forget to publish....this year I will work on publishing my blogs a bit more frequently. 

Another example of a late post below - 

This year I wanted to manifest a lot of different things in my life.

I made a list, closed my journal and left it at that.

A few months later I looked back on my list and realised that one of the items on the top of my list was coming to fruition. Actually there were more than a few that I had achieved.

To me being able to manifest something, anything..........involves thinking positively.

I don't look at my list too often because I don't want to get obsessed with it. I like to read back on it every now and then to see how I am tracking.

Last week, something unexpected happened that I didn't manifest on purpose. This was not something I could have ever dreamed of. It is so left field but am facing the challenge with gusto. Bring it on!!! What else have I got to lose right?

To give what I'm talking about some context -

In March 2018 I delved in some creative pursuits which was only meant to be temporary for my daughter's 3rd birthday party the following month. I got so obsessed with the creative pursuit, I decided to take a beginners class to hone my skills and the rest as they say is history!!!!!

Out of Lockdown 2021

It's been 5 weeks since we got out of lockdown and life is relatively back to normal. Wrote the below 2.5 months into lockdown....lockdown ended after nearly 4.5 months. 

Now my journey for a better me and a life filled with joy and contentment and purpose is back on track. So much to explore and life to live!

I have kept a physical journal the whole time in lockdown and will continue to do so as it has helped with my mental health in leaps and bounds. Like therapy without paying a therapist. 

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Sydney Lockdown 2021

Week 10 into lockdown and my previous strong mental resolve is crumbling. This inactivity, being stuck at home and routines out the window is quite frankly depressing. I'm an extrovert and love being around people, and while I do occasionally enjoy time to myself...this drawn out lockdown is hard. I can only imagine what Melbournians are feeling having been in and out of lockdown longer and in their 6th lockdown which keeps getting extended. 

I try to count my blessings and look for positives which is what I've always tried to do in my life, look at the bright side because despite the despair I am better off than some people who have lost their livelihood, homes or even loved ones. But also I can't discount what I'm feeling because at the end of the day they are valid feelings. 

I miss my family, my friends and my life. So many things we took for granted.

2021 was going to be a year for me and do lots of things I missed out on because I have been in a long term relationship since I was 19. I ended the relationship in February 2020 but have felt that my life has been stuck (for reasons I won't get into) and 2021 was going to be the year I moved on. But of course, COVID had other plans. 

I got a taste of a life I never knew before. I never really dated when I was younger. It's unchartered territory but I was up for the challenge. I find as you get older, you don't have as much hangups. You have a better idea of what you want and you don't apologise for it or care what anybody else thinks. At the end of the day, it is you that you have to make happy. I knew what I was after in the beginning and I went for it guilt free. It was my time to have some fun. But then discovered how brutal the dating scene is now with the advent of dating apps. 

Minimalism during COVID

My minimalist journey is ongoing. I joined a minimalism group on Facebook. I usually just lurk and read a lot of people's posts, questions and success story to get ideas. I was going to share what I'm going through in the group but was not comfortable in posting it. I opted to share it in this blog instead. No one reads this blog but I'm ok with that. I may be prepared to write down what I'm going through but not quite there yet with sharing pictures of my decluttering journey. 

I am nowhere near my minimalist goal. I look around my house and there is still so much stuff. Mind you a lot of it is not mine (I always say this...I read my past minimalist blog posts. It still holds true). I live with a hoarder so trying to be a minimalist is difficult. I'm hoping that soon I will be free of the hoarder. I dream of what my life would be like with a home created of my own choosing. 

What I haven found in my ongoing minimalist journey is a change in mindset (and again I've said that before). Now I find myself thinking about my purchases. I ask myself 'do I really need this?' before I buy something. Or look at an existing item at home and ask 'do I still need this?' Usually it's a no and it goes in the garbage bin or given to charity. 

I used to love sales and feeling a sense of achievement when I bought something at a bargain. Now I don't even jump at the thought of a sale unless I really need something, otherwise it's of no use to me. 

I went shopping a few weeks ago (for something other than groceries) and I wrote down a list of things I needed. I was so pleased that I only bought the things I listed. I was going to splurge on a dress but I tried it on and it just didn't fit right, so I didn't buy it. I wasn't sad and actually relieved it didn't fit because it made it easier to for me to walk away from it. I find it so freeing. My ultimate goal is to have a capsule wardrobe...someday. 

I mean does anyone ever notice the clothes that we do wear in our daily life? I find I wear the same things all the time so that is why I am thinking of a capsule wardrobe. Specially when I am on holidays, I used to pack a lot of clothes but then when I look back at photos I find myself wearing the same outfit...usually the favourites. 

With Covid-19 and forced to work from home, looking at my cluttered home causes me so much anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. I mean how do you start? I knew I couldn't do it all in one go so I started decluttering one day at a time. Now, the night before garbage night I look around my home and pick up things to bin! My one day at a time goal. 

Last weekend, I tackled the space under the stairs. In the 15 years I've lived inn my house, it has become a dumping ground for 'STUFF' and I didn't even really know what was in there. I took everything out and put in a 5 tier shelving unit which utilises space much better under the stairs. 

Previously, things were just dumped on top of eachother and made it difficult to look for things. With the shelves, it meant I could also put away the 'STUFF' that was dumped in the dining room. The dining room is currently used as a dumping ground. We don't own a dining table. We eat in front of the tv mostly, a habit we should break frankly. I'm thinking once I've cleared the space, I'm going to invest in a dining table so the room is used for it's actual purpose. 

With all the new space discovered under the stairs, I realised I could also fit a 10 tier shoe rack to keep shoes hidden and away from view...at least my shoes anyway. Wit the hoarder in the house, he has also accumulated a lot of shoes. I used to own a lot of shoes but I've found I use the same shoes all the time and don't really need that many. I am learning that I can live with less. When I do buy shoes, it's because one has worn out and am in need of a replacement. 

After clearing out and tidying up the space under the stairs, it motivated me to maintain a cleaner house. The feeling of having a tidy, clean home really does wonders to one's mental health. Each night, I would pick any mess that needed to be cleared and tidy up. It inspired me for my next project...tackle the kitchen and unused items. 

I went so far as to buy new storage canisters to organise and sort. 

Did I get around to doing it? NO.

I have my moments where I am given this bursst of motivation to organise & declutter. It started with my daughter's bedroom and getting rid of 'STUFF' that she had outgrown and make her space current and relevant to her needs. 

It spawned the motivation to cleaning under the stairs. I expect my minimalist journey will happen over time. This will be a lifelong journey that I know as the years progress will hopefully get easier. I am kind to myself and just go at the pace that I am comfortable with. 

Who knows waht my next update will be like?